I’m familiar with how protective I am of the people in my life. My son, my friends, my family… Shit, even the people who used to read/comment on Date Wrecks… All the faceless names that I recognized as “mine.”
I really don’t understand why I am so reckless with my own heart. I have always been a leap-then-look type and I both love and hate that part of who I am.
It’s great when things are unclear and what you really need is for someone to come elbow their way through the crowd and fucking make shit happen. I am THAT girl. It’s one of my strengths. I don’t wait and watch and ponder shit… I DO things. I find ways to make things happen.
But in my personal life, I jump… Sometimes I know that the very place that I’m leaping is NOT the right place for me… I know it going into it, but I cling to the hope inside of me, thinking, “The net will appear.” Something will catch me. Maybe I’m hoping that someone will catch me… Maybe that will be the true measure of a partner’s worth — when I leap into them, knowing their faults and seeing their cracks, that they’ll stick their arms out and catch me.
I am not a very trusting person… And yet, I throw myself into people, fully expecting them to treat me with respect and concern. I know, if it were me, I would treat them with the utmost care… And so I expect them to treat me with that same level of concern.
It’s fucking stupid.
I sent an IM to the Giant today, attempting to get some closure around the whole situation with him… I can’t be his friend right now… I’m in no place to be his friend. I said to him, “i just need to protect my heart. i had thought you would try to protect my heart as well, knowing how i felt about you… but i realize i can’t trust you to do that. that’s my own fault.” How foolish of me to expect someone to treat me the way I would treat myself.
The Golden Rule: “Treat others as you would like to be treated.”
What’s the sister rule? The Silver Rule? “Expect that other people will treat you as you treat them.” ???
That’s stupid. Maybe this is all a lesson in control for me…? I don’t know. I’m so fucking emo and I can’t even sort out the emotions that are pinging around in my head. I can’t control how people treat me. I can’t. But what I can control is how much of myself I let people get… How much of ME I’m going to give to THEM.
I hate this. I worry that this shit will turn me into a jaded and totally untrusting old wench, destined to die alone, all paranoid, with her dozens of cats. But I can’t keep giving my heart away like this. I can’t keep expecting that when I give someone a piece of me, that they’re going to treat it kindly.
So I’ve decided not to be friends with the Giant, out of my personal regard for my own heart. Maybe I really thought I could handle it, but I can’t… And I certainly can’t trust him to be gentle with my heart. I can’t expect that.