This was a guest post that I wrote for Met Another Frog. We had to split it into two posts because I just had SO much to say. Heh.
I was super excited when Skye asked me if I’d be interested in guest posting here. Then she said that July was “Fringe Month Two”. Listen, I’m so far away from fringe that I didn’t even know what it was. I’m thinking, “Like saddles and whips fringe? For a whole month? I think you’ll run out of things to talk about.” Then she explained that by fringe she meantkink. And at the sound of the word, my green eyes popped open so wide you could see the white on the top and bottom of my iris. Uhhm… Kinky? I may be foul-mouthed and sex-forward and maybe something of a slut but, me? Kinky? Hardly.
I’ve never been tied up. I’ve never worn leather on anything other than my feet or a jacket. The only time I’ve worn a mask has been on Halloween and that is only because I’m short enough that, when wearing a mask, I can get away with Trick or Treating (don’t judge me!).
Then it dawned on me: I love butt secks. And, according to the majority of my female friends, that’s pretty damned kinky.
Now, don’t worry your pretty little head, Vanilla Girl. Contrary to what you might think, anal sex is not a gateway drug to genital piercing or sticking electrodes up your boy toy’s wang. I pinky swear. With the right attitude, partner and lube you too can stand proudly with your hands on your hips and your beautiful boobies erect and say…
“I’m a Vanilla Girl and I love butt secks.”
Now, brace yourselves. We’re going to talk about poop. And your ass. And it might a little uncomfortable. I promise to go slow. That’s what she said.
1. First things first – Get over your fear of poop.
Yes, it’s your poop shooter. Yes, poop is stinky and gross to you, Vanilla Girl. No, the last thing you want is for your first time to result in your man’s dick looking like a brown cow and you crying hysterically from embarrassment. But guess what? Shit happens. Chances are if your man really wants to make his love-stick disappear into your sweet cheeks, he realizes that shit happens, too.
I’ve been a connoisseur of butt secks for about a decade and I can list only two incidences that occurred with partners where poop appeared. And, looking back, they’re some of my most hilarious and memorable sexual experiences ever. Embarrassing? Sure. A big deal? Nope.
Here’s your Duh Lesson: You colon holds your poop until you expel it. A healthy colon will send your poops packing and be pretty much clear on the inside. When you’re not eating healthy, your poop will stick to the walls and cause peanut butter or playdough factory poops. You want the kind that are “invisible” meaning, when you wipe, there’s little to nothing on the paper.
Fear of Shit Tip: Eat healthy. Get regular. And know that if you’re wiping and you’ve got peanut butter smear, it’s probably best to wait a day and eat some leafy greens before you attempt to go there. In my experience, a good poop a few hours before you wanna make a go at it will clear your shitter from um, shit.
2. Choose Your Lube Wisely
I’ve tried lots of different kinds of lubes and your preferences will likely change over time and under new partners. God, I remember when I first started experimenting with butt secks with my friend Alex. I was eighteen and he was just as inexperienced as me and we used VASELINE! Miiiiistake! Seriously, live and learn. Or read this and learn from me.
Thankfully, the makers of everything slippery have caught up with the masses and there are literally dozens of lubes you can try. My personal favorite is AstroGlide. From their website,
“Astroglide’s unique formula is water-based, water-soluble and designed to mimic the body’s natural fluids. Astroglide makes condom use more enjoyable and makes safer sex a reality.”
What this translates to is this: When the lube starts to dry out you can spit on it and it will reactivate. (Plus, that’s also kind of hot and kinky, right? Live a little, you dirty girl!) And, when you’re done, a quick shower will get your body squeaky clean. I also appreciate that Astroglide is manufactured in an FDA approved facility by a medical products manufacturer and not by some guy with a hairy chest in his basement with a perpetual porn track in the background. That said my fave-gay said to me, “But lord have mercy, woman, why would you recommend astroglide?” So, try different brands until you find the one you love. It’s like the Pepsi Challenge, but with lots of slippery sexy.
And if you’re too embarrassed to buy your lube at the drug store you can order it online almost anywhere, including Drugstore.com. If you choose to hit your local lube retailer make it fun. Tell your boyfriend that you need to pop into the drug store after your date and then lead him by hand to go pick out the lube you want.
Duh Lesson: You don’t shoot lube up your partner’s butt. I remember reading a Tucker Max entry once and wanting to pick up my monitor and throw it across the room because he detailed how he shoved the top of the lube bottle up a girl’s butt and squirted like four ounces into her rectum. Dip shit. No. A little on you, a little on his member and the two go together like slip’n’slide.
Fear of Insertion Tip: Play with your butt a little, man. Have your partner play with your butt, too. This doesn’t even mean insertion right away. Touching, rubbing and pressure on your sphincter feels great and gets your body used to the sensation. There are so many untouched nerve endings there, my friend, that exploring with anal sex doesn’t have to mean penetration if you don’t want it yet. It could just be exploring with the tip of his finger or your finger for a long time. Don’t rush yourself. And keep his and your nails in check. While the ladies in porn will push two inch neon green fingernails into their bum-bums (not very sanitary or respectable, if you ask me), you don’t want cuts on your sphincter, man.
Also, a little biology lesson for you guys: There are two sphincter muscles at play here, the outer is controllable and great for um, pinching things off. The inner sphincter, however, is involuntary and located 4-6” inside your winker and will warm up and relax after a minute of dang-doodle in your pooper. He should just hold it really still while your body relaxes. Once you’ve created the space in there, it’s full steam ahead!
3. Check Your Attitude
The two biggest questions you need to ask yourself, Vanilla Girl, are:
- Do I really want to do this?
- What are my hangups?
My first time having butt secks was not so much against my wishes, but it wasn’t something I was planning. I was eighteen or nineteen and dating an older man (because that’s just what you DO when you’re a stupid teenager living out of your mother’s house) and he was pressuring me to do it, although I didn’t really think I was ready. So, rather than wait until I was ready, he just STUCK IT IN THERE while we were having sex one night.
Lawd have mercy, I’ve had a child. At home, on purpose, without pain medication, naturally. I feel like I have a really high threshold for pain but when that happened, I felt like my body was turning itself inside out, black-hole style. I was sore for days. Even pooping was difficult and I would sit on the toilet for the next week in a cold sweat and nearly crying just to make it happen.
I hated that guy. Naturally, I broke up with him shortly thereafter. Even stupid teenager Jami had to draw the line somewhere and unexpected company in my bootay was where the line was back then.
In a healthy sexual relationship, you talk about things you want to try and it’s an open forum for discussion. If he’s expressed interest in going there, and you’re open to try it, then hold hands and walk down that path together. If you’re totally grossed out by the idea, go back and read my first tip. If you’re unsure of how it works, see the second tip. Open your mind and your heart up to the possibility of lovin’ in the tushy.
Duh Lesson: Is your boyfriend pressuring you to do it? Do you feel like he’s manipulating you? Have the words, “If you loved me…” come up in conversation? If so, move on. You don’t need to be with a man who wants to perform any sort of sex act on you for his own pleasure in spite of your discomfort.
Check Your Head Tip: Only do what you’re comfortable doing and RELAX. I swear to God, if you’re up on all fours, perched on your toes and claws, your sphincter is going to be as hard to get into as a child proof medicine bottle. Focus on relaxing your whole body, tip to toe and if it hurts, say so. Have him pull out and continue playing with you. Or if you need him to, tell him to stop altogether. Need more lube? Speak up. It’s your ass on your terms, honey.
4. Positions That Work
I don’t want you to read this article and get all clammy and weird like we’ve been transported back to junior high school with those horrible sex education videos. Sex is fun! Butt secks does require a bit more education than vaginal sex, but once you get the basics down, it’ll become second nature. Like riding a bike, only… the bike is his dick and, in the beginning, you’re probably going to be getting ridden more than you’re riding – but whatever. You get the analogy.
So, let’s take the education out of this position and talk about the fun stuff! RECESS!
Positions, just like anything else, will be something you have to explore and figure out for yourself, but to start out, you want to find a position where you can hold yourself still and totally relax your body. For me, I prefer on my stomach with my knees pulled up and together, almost like the child’s pose on yoga. Kink it up a bit by putting your arms to your side and having your partner hold your arms and use them for leverage. In this position, I find that things are um, easy to find… And you know, sort of on display and my entire body can relax and sink into the bed.
In my experience, this is the easiest position to get things calibrated. Once you have created space for play, you can switch up the positions to your heart’s content. If your partner is nicely endowed, you can lay down in a sweet and romantic spooning position and let him enter you from behind. If you’re feeling adventurous, flip on your back and throw your legs up over his shoulders. Get crazy with it – be creative and be willing to try lots of different positions.
Duh Lesson: If it hurts, stop. The only time I ever experience a very subtle bit of pain is upon insertion, and that’s only when we haven’t used enough lube. When it happens, just relube and try again. Your partner must be someone you respect because really, he’s going to determine how fast, hard and painful it’s going to be or how slow, gentle and pleasurable it’s going to be. If you don’t trust your partner, it’s not going to work. When you’re in full-on fucking mode, if something hurts, stop. Just say, “STOP!” Shit, if you’ve got a damn Charlie Horse in your thigh, stop. Who can properly orgasm with a leg cramp??
I know I didn’t talk about toys. And I didn’t talk about anal douching (I don’t – never have). I think I’ve covered the basics and it’s up to you to explore the rest with your lover. I also didn’t talk about why I love butt secks, but I suppose that’s a secret that’s especially guarded for the proud few who get to go there with me, right?