I don’t know too much about my birth chart or where my planets are moving or who or what is retrograding currently. Devon is my go-to astrology person. I’ll call her all panic-riddled, “My laptop is fried, I need a new alternator in the Saab, even my hair-dryer fucking burned up this morning!” And she’ll say, “Pobrecita… Listen, Mercury is in retrograde and blah de blah blah.”
I don’t know how seriously I really take Astrology when it comes to Horoscopes. “Something is going to happen to me having to do with money on the 15th? Thanks, every-horoscope-page-in-every-stupid-magazine!” (Spoiler alert: the 15th is payday.)
I DO, however, hold a lot of stock in my Astrological sign. I’m a Scorpio (surprise) and I have NEVER read a description of the stinging creature that wasn’t accurate. I mean, there may be one or two little quips or quirks thrown in there that don’t mesh, but the big picture is ME.
Today, I was reading at Love in the Dumps – they do a series called “What to expect when you’re dating a ______,” and today it was my turn.
GOOD THINGS: tend to have a fantastic, contagious laugh and a nice smile; highly creative and artistic and are never one to go for standards or replicas; sex is intense and damn good; extremely intelligent; looks amazing in the color red ; uncanny ability to reinvent themselves and blaze a path of success; plays the group comic/goofball; provides interesting and witty comments with an undertone of amusing snarkiness; won’t judge you; will make you feel like the epitome of “love and light” because no one will ever be as dark and intense as they are; if someone crosses you, your Scorpio will have your back; loyalty to their friends and family is stronger than steel; penetrates deep into the psyche of the human mind, or the hidden meanings of the Universe; always end up winning, some way or another; a complex nature and secretive personality always keeps you intrigued.
HOT! I’m funny, sexy, mysterious, loyal, super smart, amusingly snarky, dark and complex. But wait… Before you go snapping your suspenders and puffing out your chest and sashaying over to ask me out, the bad news:
BAD THINGS: that aforementioned complex nature and secretive personality is a double edge sword—you may never gain access to the true depths of a Scorpio’s soul, no matter how much you “prove yourself” worthy to them; revenge is a dish best served by Chez Scorpio; depression is their best friend, and loneliness their confidant; obsessions and addictions come second nature to them—they won’t judge you for drinking that bottle of wine, because they probably already drank two; drawn to competition and winning, they don’t lose well (or often, or for long); if you don’t love them 110%, then it ain’t real love to a true blooded Scorpio—they demand YOUR soul, even if they don’t give you theirs in return; don’t try flirting with other people– jealousy is Scorpio’s childhood playmate; when they finally lose their temper, watch out for that infamous Scorpio sting—you won’t forget the shock and painful after effects for the rest of your life; they are more intuitive and profound than you will ever be, which means they have the power to manipulate better than most.
*grrrroan* I used to get in HUGE fights with my exboyfriend because he would call me manipulative when, in truth, he was a master-manipulator. I’m not saying I didn’t manipulate him because, looking back, I totally did. It was just that he manipulated me more than I’ve ever been manipulated. However, it was a good eye-opening experience because it really helped me see that I AM naturally a manipulator. I mean, I never intend to do it… I just instinctively know people’s weak spots and once I know where they are, my subconscious zeros in on these spots like heat-seeking missiles, intent on bringing your house down. And when I’m hurt? Lawd… Don’t poke me with sticks, kids… I do my best (read: worst) work when I’m on the ground, swallowing my own blood and gripping my tender, beaten ribs.
DATE THEM IF YOU: think tantric sex and erotica are the best way to spend your free time; are more light-hearted and aloof and could use someone to bring out the intensity in you; need to be with someone who is deep and profound—you enjoy the challenge of getting to know all about them; enjoy holding regular séances at your house, or want to speak to the dead; enjoy history, politics, or literature, and think that knowledge is power; want to explore the deep meanings of things, rather than stay on the superficial level; want the quiet comfort of knowing that you will have an utterly loyal partner that gives you a strong sense of security; don’t mind someone decoding all your own personal secrets and skeletons.
This part, “Date them if you enjoy the challenge of getting to know all about them,” — DON’T. It’s fucking exhausting. I know I am a well-spring of conversation and I can talk about myself until the cows come home and I will until you tell me to shut up. So if this is your thing, awesome. Fine, whatever. But I am so fucking sick of getting to know “you” and then watching “you” disappear. Or really, the more accurate version is that you spend so much time getting to know me and I am delighted and distracted, telling you all about me, that when I’m done and I stop talking, it’s a fucking dead line. Hello? Anybody there? Oh, no? Ok, I guess I’m not interested after all. Sometimes I think I’m better off just dating myself because that is seriously how my mind operates sometimes.
Also? The part about decoding all your own personal secrets and skeletons? IT SO HAPPENS. I’m on the phone with the Giant the other night and I’m all on my soapbox, telling him that he should do this and he should do that and he agrees with me — it’s not like a bossy thing (maybe a little it was) but more like a, “C’mon, man! YOU CAN DO THIS!” kind of pep talk. He tried to spin it on me because, really… I could take some of my own advice. And I spun it right back on him real quick. (Did you notice I did that? I’m quick like that.) I always tell people, when it comes to relationships, I am an EXPERT on what you should do… But when it comes to actual, practical Jami’s-life application of said expertise (rolling my eyes at myself)… I’m not so good.
Jami would be so fantastic if she would just apply herself!
So, I’m going to spend the next week, gearing up for my birthday on Friday, reading horoscopes and love forecasts and astrological readings and blah blah blah. And then I’m not going to listen to them or do a damn thing about them because I am THAT stubborn. Seriously.
Other good reads: