I know I shouldn’t let little things bother me… But working in a mostly-retail environment, it’s really hard to let some of it go.
There is one girl that comes in here and I seriously just want to choke-slam her every single time she steps through our doors. She asks for a “stamped enveloat.” En-ve-LOAT.
At first, I thought she might have a speech impediment, but I realize that no, in fact, she’s just a lazy-speaker. When she asked for a padded envelope one day, she said it correctly. I even queried her as to whether she’d prefer a poly envelope or a padded envelope and she said, “Padded envelope will be fine.”
So why the hell can’t you say STAMPED ENVELOPE?! Drives…Me… BANANAS!
My desk is slightly hidden… Here’s a little schematic that I just threw together:
My desk is behind a counter and it’s perfect because I can see everything that is going on in the store without everyone in store noticing me right away. When I’m here by myself, I often have other work that needs to be completed and so, I’ll come greet a customer, assist them in picking out an enveloat or two and then return to my desk with the advice to them to, “Just call for me if you need any more assistance. I’ll be at my desk.”
So, they do whatever it is that they’re going to do and then they gruffly bark, “Helllllo?!” like I’ve left them stranded for a half an hour or like they’ve just walked into an empty establishment. My only recourse for this kind of rude behavior is to pop up from my desk — they almost always feel like a dick when they realize that I was a mere six feet away from them as they hollered all the way to the back of the store.
So, here’s a little short list of things you should never do when you come into my store. It’s probably safe to say that you shouldn’t do these things in any other stores, but I don’t give two shits about that garbage. Just BEHAVE yourself when you come into mine!
- Do NOT attempt to work the copier if you don’t know how. I don’t care if your office has a copier, if you have any question in your mind as to whether or not you can do it, ask for help.
- DO NOT EVER take the copies off the copy tray when I’m helping you. It only serves to confuse me and also, it’s rude as hell.
- Don’t hit on me!
- Do NOT lick your envelopes closed. There is tape on the counter. I do NOT want to touch your saliva soaked envelope, man. EW!
- DO NOT EVER open the god damn door of the copier. I don’t care if it says paper jam and your daddy was a copy technician. We are under a contract with these THOUSAND DOLLAR MACHINES and if you start fucking around with them, it will cost us to have someone come out and fix whatever shit you break.
- Don’t PUNCH the stapler. If you just press down on it, it will staple your papers. If you must use a stronger force, pick up the damn thing. DO NOT JUST PUNCH IT.
- Also, don’t throw your old staples in the floor. RUDE.
- Don’t EVER give me a credit card for a purchase of less than $5.00. YES, we can process a credit card for that small amount, but we would rather you get off your lazy ass and find some change in your car to purchase ONE STAMP. It’s stupid to put that much on a credit card and it makes our sales averages go down which makes our credit card processing rates go UP.
- Don’t you DARE give me crumpled up dollar bills. Or coins that have sticky shit on them or are coated in a thin layer of ash from your ash tray.
- Don’t hit on me.
- Don’t ever use the phrase, “Well my daddy/brother/cousin/husband/neighbor was a UPS/FedEx/DHL/USPS worker and I know for a FACT…” blah blah blah. Suck a dick. If you would rather, you can tell go ship this package with your daddy/brother/cousin/husband/neighbor.
- Don’t admonish me because you think our prices are high. They’re really not, you’re just a cheapskate. In fact, if you want to storm out of our store and stomp your elephant feet over to another shop, BE MY GUEST. But keep your trap shut about our prices. I don’t set them. I just work here.
- DO NOT HIT ON ME. That includes you, old men.
I am not cut out for retail. I could go on and on and on and on but I think it might ruin my day.