But, newsflash: IT’S NOT MAGIC!
I know it’s a difficult concept for you to wrap your brain around, but if you have a large package that you’re trying to ship to your Great Aunt Gurdie, you cannot tape the large cardboard carton WITH SCOTCH TAPE.
You just cannot.
And? When you come up to my counter and pull of a ridiculously long (sometimes like two feet long, folks!) piece of scotch tape, it will tangle. I know you think it won’t, but when you pull it tight and the perforated dispenser edge severs the tape from the spool, it POPS… It will pop back and recoil. IT WILL.
And when you take the piece of tape that is sticking to the back of your hand and the countertop and itself, and you ball it up and throw it in the garbage, I want to swing my right foot around to the right side of your face and perhaps send your head down to a significantly lower level so that maybe your eyes would be closer to the counter so you could see the INDUSTRIAL TAPE GUN SITTING ON THE COUNTER FOR YOUR USE!
Do you have any clue how ridiculous you look? A grown fucking adult, wrestling with scotch tape? Look at you… You live in a highly developed country with nearly limitless opportunities for upward mobility and self-education… And for some reason, THIS is the solution that your pea-brain comes with when looking at a large, opened cardboard carton?
Seriously? You’re almost as dumb as this asshole… Except he was stupid enough to post that picture of himself online.
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of that whole embarrassing-you-on-the-internet thing.
You DO realize that someone pays for that free tape that you’re using right? And that you’re in an independent, family-owned and operated business? And that throwing the tape away like that is not only wasteful, it’s got some space somewhere down the why-we-don’t-make-money tributary, correct?
You know what else is free for you to use to your hearts content?
Staples. Go ahead, staple papers until you clean out the stapler. Have at it!
DO NOT, however, remove your staples from your papers and DROP THEM IN THE FLOOR.
Some bitch is supposed to vacuum around here, but I have it on high authority she doesn’t… She also doesn’t clean the toilets. She says to tell you that, while she may just appear to be a minimum-wage retail slug, she’s actually a talented graphic designer who would rather make less and work with her family than parade along like a lemming into a corporate office. She also says that the staples don’t like to get sucked up into the vacuum when she finally gets hassled enough to run the sucker across the floor.
And there are people in here all the time… People with children… Walking around, getting stuck with your twisted scraps of pointed metal in their feet. You wouldn’t drop push pins on the floor, would you?
Then don’t drop the fucking staples on the fucking god damn floor either.
Thanks for your business!