Here’s a super lazy update on the situation with the Hot Single Dad because… I’m exhausted from thinking about it. I’m sure I’ll pontificate more on it later.
This is a conversation that I had with Cincy today on IM, updating her on the situation. I promise, she’s not one of those super lazy instant messengers, her brain is a bit fried from the design project from hell and she just sent the finals to the printer today.
me: so i had my (last) date with HSD on sunday night.
me: i’m ready to be done.
cincy: talk. i am stupid today, but i can listen/read
me: well, you know how i told you he was being really date-y
me: and it was making me think differently of him
me: we get to dinner on sunday night
me: and before we left his house, he’s all “you look great!” “you smell great!”
me: and then when we get there, we get to talking
me: and he says, “i’ve been meaning to talk to you about this…”
me: which got my hopes up, because i have been wanting him to initiate this conversation.
me: “i really enjoy what we have”
me: which got my hopes up again.
me: “i just don’t want you to be all ‘i like you’ and then get mean again because i’m not ready.”
Sidenote: When the Hot Single Dad and I dated in March/April of last year, he was very upfront about the fact that he was seeing someone else. I’ll try to save face here and I won’t give her a nickname because any nickname I would choose would not be very nice. ANYWAY, she knew about me — under the same terms that I knew about her — that HSD wasn’t dating any exclusively, but that he was seeing us both. When HSD and I friended on facebook, everything was fine for a period of time.
Once she realized WHO I was, she started marking her territory all over his facebook page. She was uploading pictures from months earlier and tagging HSD in them and leaving TOO MANY messages on his wall. Shit like, “Good morning!!!!!!”, “Hope you’re having a great day!!!!!!”, “Can’t wait to see you tonight!!!!!” She was literally squatting over his wall every six hours and pissing all over it. It irritated me, because, a woman who is very versed in the competitive nature of other women, I saw right through it. I teased HSD about it and — of course, he was oblivious, but once I pointed it out, he was embarrassed and irritated and told her to cool it. She did, but by that time, I had already sorted out that I didn’t want to see him anymore.
When I ended it with HSD in the spring, I don’t think I was overly mean… I just wasn’t super nice about it. Ok, maybe I was a little immature (read: present tense, AM a little immature), but that bitch just grated my nerves. She would have grated my nerves had she just been some random chick on some random dude’s facebook wall, but the fact that it was personal and that the only reason she did it was to grate my nerves and try to incite some kind of competition with me.
Let me tell you what, guys… I don’t compete… And this is why this predicament with HSD has me so baffled. Or stupid. I don’t know. I think I’m mostly stupid.
Anyway, back to the conversation.
me: and i was actually caught off guard.
me: like, i thought he was seriously going to offer up some kind of dating scenario, but no.
me: he’s still in the same space.
me: i told him that in the spring, i was on a mission. i was dating a ton and lining up men… i had my pick of the litter and i was really used to getting a lot of undivided attention from men. and that with him, in the spring, i was totally shocked and caught off guard with the idea that he DIDN’T want to date such an amazing person as me.
Heh. Ego much. I know, I know…
me: i told him that now, i’m kind of burned out on dating… and it’s whatever. but ultimately, i’m seeking a relationship and a real connection.
me: and basically like
me: “i guess this is fine in the meantime.”
me: and that was pretty much it
me: we went home and fucked like barbarians.
me: and i got up and went to work in the morning.
me: and i haven’t heard from him, which isn’t all THAT unusual.
me: but i’ve gone ahead and made plans for thursday night, my kid-free night, with the girls. grey’s anatomy starts this week and it’s traditionally wine and chinese night with the girls.
me: because of my schedule… and his schedule… i probably won’t see him for at least two or three weeks.
me: and i’m kind of happy about that
me: he’s not a total dick… he’s actually a really charming and gentlemanly dude…
me: but that doesn’t change that he’s totally a player
me: and the kicker
me: “you’re the only girl i’ve seen this year, well besides [other girl’s name], that i actually want to hang out with and go out with. with every other girl it’s totally physical.”
me: um… thanks?
This is where I showed Cincy a picture of the other girl. No, I’m not going to post it here, but suffice it to say… SHE IS NOT CUTE.
OMG, I am such a cunt. But it’s true. It makes no sense.
me: um… sure. if interesting means ugly.
me: and fat.
me: and her teeth are SO crooked.
cincy: dude, i am TRYING TO BE NICER
me: he and i also had a really long talk about our past, which is something we never did before.
me: and he told me how his marriage ended
me: which was… awful.
me: a year into it, he knew it wasn’t going to work, but he stuck it out.
me: the last two years of his marriage, they spent in counseling.
me: she was frigid… and mean. and never told him he was attractive. she didn’t say i love you. never appreciated him. (I’m not sure how much of this is truth and how much of this is part of his scheme. More on that below.)
me: and then something in my head clicked
me: THIS is why he thinks he needs a harem.
me: this is why he’s been fucking [other girl’s name] for a year — this fat girl who says on her “about me” on her facebook that she is “a hopeless romantic waiting to find the love of my life. very independent! MY KNIGHT WHERE ARE YOU?”
me: fuck me. if that isn’t the most pathetic way to describe yourself. oh shit. she really fucking called out to a mother fucking white knight. /facepalm
cincy: oh jesus
me: he started the patch on saturday
me: and while i was at his house on sunday night, he was showing me pictures on his facebook of his kids from last weekend. (we are no longer friends on facebook)
me: and his facebook status was
me: “started the patch on saturday. thanks [other girl’s name]!”
me: because i guess, [other girl’s name] is so far up his ass that she bought the patch for him.
me: and then i’m looking at myself
me: and i’m looking at this sad sack of pathetic woman
me: and i’m like
me: wait a god damn second
me: I’M THE SHIT
me: i am funny and beautiful and interesting and i have a good job.
me: i have all this shit going for me. what the fuck am i doing?
me: and i’m just another bitch in his harem… granted, maybe the A or B bitch, but just a fucking cunt
me: i haven’t decided if i’m going to talk to him about all of this
cincy: dude, it’s never enough. if it’s enough for you…it’s not enough for the one you want it to be.
me: because i don’t think he’s really REALIZED all of this
cincy: i’ve walked away from all of it
cincy: that’s his fucking problem, not yours
cincy: you can’t fix him and you shouldn’t
me: part of me wants to be like “i’m leaving and not looking back, and here’s why you are a fucking retard.”
me: you’re right
me: i need to just exit stage left and call it quits.
me: i’m a little sad to miss the sex and eye candy.
me: he is so hot.
me: and the sex is so good.
me: but dude.
me: what the fuck does that make me?
cincy: it’s unhealthy
me: in so many ways, i’m so grateful for [other girl’s name].
me: i feel like i want to email HER and be like “god… thank you for being so pathetic that you made me wake up and realize how close to you i was starting to be.”
cincy: again, her problem. not yours. let him wallow and let her lap it up. move on with your head held high that you AREN’T her
cincy: and find someone hotter and better in bed
Note: Taking Applications.
me: i mean, in the spring when i ended it with him, it’s because i was like, “what you’re offering isn’t enough for me.” and now i’m like… INSULTED by the whole thing.
me: i can’t quite wrap my brain around how i got tangled up in this… but i’m glad to have some clarity.
cincy: if i have learned ANYTHING, and dude…i have learned A LOT, it’s that completely walking away with no explanation or goodbye is the most crushing thing you can do to someone. you want to show him that you’re better than all that and he doesn’t deserve you? THAT’S the way to go. he doesn’t deserve an explanation. save your breath.
cincy: don’t fix him for someone like [other girl’s name]
me: i can’t fix what is wrong with him
me: he’s just a player.
me: and he had an affair.
me: that’s really how his marriage ended
me: problems abounded
me: but he had an affair with a married woman IN HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
cincy: so he’s always going to be a douche canoe
me: he’s a nice guy
me: he has manners
me: southern sensibilities
me: but’s a player
me: and his main objective is getting his dick wet
In conclusion, I am so fucking glad that he and I talked. I am so fucking glad that he opened up to me about why his marriage ended. This has certainly colored my view of him — I understand, sometimes things happen, but a full blown actual affair that your wife divorces you over?
Tainted. Not worth it. No matter how many black-out inducing orgasms you can give me. No matter how fun you make our time together. No matter how hot you are or how ripped your abs are… Not.Worth.It.
Buh. Seriously considering taking a conscious and actual break from dating. Like… No dates. No online profile. No interaction with the opposite sex. I think I need to find some additional clarity — some inward clarity. What is wrong with me internally to let myself become some cunt in a harem?
THAT IS NOT ME.